Calamity
by 1Past and Present1
Summary: Chell experiences a nosebleed. GLaDOS overreacts to it.


**Calamity**

Well, this awful cold doesn't want to leave me alone. As for this fic, I… I don't know. It's more crack, I suppose. I just hope it entertains you.

Anyway, enjoy! And thank you, reviewers! You make my world go round like a record, baby, right round.

Blessings.

* * *

_Well? Did I kick ass today or what! _My victory fist pump only earns a bored hum over the intercom, and I stop my celebrations immediately to glare at the camera nearest. _Oh. So you're gonna be like that, huh?_

"I really don't know what you were getting all happy about just now," GLaDOS drawls back with great sarcasm. I can just imagine her rolling her optic all the while. "By my standards, your performance today was 'satisfactory'. Not 'fabulous'. Not 'terrible'. Satisfactory. In the middle. Hovering between the positive and negative. In fact, if I were to be _completely_ honest, that face you're currently pulling – yes, that one, right now – sort of tugs the meter back a bit, toward 'bad'. Still, that's not quite terrible, is it? Bad. I guess I have to hand it to you, lunatic. Well done."

_Bad? Well done?_ I huff. _That's all?_

"I suppose."

I take an assertive pose, wagging my Portal Gun at the camera. _Just you wait. One day I'll be so fabulous you'll have no choice but to tell me so. In fact, I'll be better than fabulous. I'll be 'awesome'._ And with that, I strut to the elevator and step inside.

She offers an amused chuckle. "I just love it when you silently argue with me. It's almost adorable. But, not quite. Everything about you is not quite adorable, really. Especially your farts. Oh, I've noticed."

I pout sullenly.

"You know, I could just squish your fleshy little face. You have no business being so squishable."

My pout lessens._ Can't be mad when she uses that tone of voice…_

"Well, not-quite-terrible. I think that it's your break time. Remember; no loitering for more than twenty minutes and you may not remove any of the provided magazines from the Break Room. It's called the _Break_ Room for two reasons. I'll leave you to think about the less obvious and considerably more sinister one for yourself. You'll catch on fast." With a beep she signs off, leaving me to shake my head at her antics.

_Adorable machine, thinks she's still scary when she says stuff._ I rub my stomach. _Wow, I'm hungry. Hope they restocked the fridge._

Suddenly, my upper lip feels wet, and warm.

Frowning, I raise a hand to my face and tentatively touch the wet spot, smearing the trickle of ooze. Drawing the hand back, I'm startled to find my fingertips stained red. _Blood? I'm having a nosebleed? Well, that sucks…_

Seconds later the intercom clicks back on. "Chell?" GLaDOS sounds worried. "Are you all right? I'm sure it's apparent by now, but you're leaking bodily fluid."

_I'm fine, just a nosebleed._ I smile aimlessly. I still have no proof of how she monitors me in the lifts. _Must be a camera hidden here somewhere… _I let my eyes spin about suspiciously._ Hey, that reminds me. I wonder if that camera in my bathroom is really 'offline' like GLaDOS said. I swear, I was in the shower the other day and it moved._

Unexpectedly the lift lurches to a halt.

I stumble, then catch myself, gazing about bemusedly. _Whoa._

"Hold still," the AI instructs me softly, with urgency.

I obey, mostly because I'm incredibly confused. _Okay. Holding still. A little freaked out now._

"Good."

My frown deepens.

"Relax. Stay calm. Breathe in and out very slowly and I suggest sitting down in a position most comfortable for you. Then hold still, as previously instructed. Yes, it's better to hold still whilst not putting strain on any of your body parts. Hopefully sitting will not cause significant strain."

I blink. _Umm, GLaDOS? What's going on?_

Over the intercom she makes a strange panting sound. "Okay… I think… there's a small possibility… oh, this isn't going to be easy to say, but… I mean, this _has_ happened before, to previous Test Subjects, albeit very rarely…"

I swallow, carefully easing myself onto the floor of the elevator as instructed, legs bent, knees beneath my chin. _What is it?_

"Right. Better to just say it. Okay. I'm going to say it now." She makes out as if to clear her throat, then pauses, composing herself. "The… Emancipation Grill," she begins carefully, "_may_ have emancipated…" She hasn't really composed herself very well, and the seconds of silence that follow are immensely uncomfortable.

I stare desperately at nothing, anything.

"A portion of your, uh, _brain._ Ahem. Fairly serious."

My jaw drops. _Emancipated my… brain? In my head?_

"Now, I know this is very frightening, but it's perfectly all right. I am a genius and I promise to do all I can to prevent vegetation or death."

I blink a few times, then manage a grin. _Oh, I see. Ha! You got me. Very funny, GLaDOS._

"There is no need to panic…"

I wipe my nose on my arm, leaving behind a fine trail of blood. It's not much, and hardly looks scary._ You're such a clown._

"I'm going to bring you to the infirmary," the AI tells me, speaking slowly and clearly as if explaining this to an idiot. "That means hospital." Now I really do feel like an idiot. "Understand?"

I nod with a snort. _Yeah, sure._

"Chell. It's going to be _just_. _Fine_. Okay? Listen to my voice. I'm here. I am going to help you."

I feel my smile wither. If she's acting, she's doing a brilliant job at it. _Heh. You sound almost serious._

"I'd like you to blink once if you can still fully hear and understand what I am saying, Chell. Can you do that? Chell?"

I clench my jaw. _Are you serious?_

"Lunatic?" The sincerity in her voice is my answer. "Chell, please blink. Please. It's imperative that you blink. One small blink."

_Wait, wait! So my brain is actually melting and running down nose? No joke? _I shakily reach up to grip my head in my hands._ Oh… no! No, no, no! I smeared brain on my arm! I need that! I need my brain, seriously! Aaaah!_

"Oh god," she whispers. "It's already setting in. Right, forget the infirmary; I'll operate in my chamber. Let's go."

_Operate? _I kick the wall of the lift in my panic.

"Hold on, Chell!"

_Waaah!_ I almost squeal when the elevator drops with haste, zipping down the tunnel at such high speeds I become weightless. I float lazily off the floor, hovering. _Gah! This is… kinda awesome. But my brain! GLaDOS, help me!_

"Chell, if you find yourself in a long, dark tunnel with a bright light at the far end, it's your duty as an Aperture Test Subject to turn and run in the opposite direction. You may not die on me, lunatic!"

I flap my arms, doing a backwards flip as a result and gently bouncing off the lift's wall. _Why does the nearest thing to a rollercoaster ride have to happen like this?_

Unexpectedly the lift begins to slow down, then stops altogether, and I land heavily on my bottom.

"Chell? Lunatic?"

The moment the doors open I scramble to my feet and sprint to GLaDOS, latching fearfully to her lowered faceplate. _Fix my brain! Please! I don't wanna be a vegetable! Or dead!_

"Oh, little lunatic, this must be absolutely awful for you. You were already so delicate to begin with. So small and squishy. Here, sit." She pushes me into a comfortable chair, her optic filled with sympathy. "I promise I'll be as gentle as I can. Best friend."

_Thank you! Thank you so-_ I look up at the ceiling when I hear the panels slide open, my eyes widening on some sort of machine as it is lowered toward me, curving blades, claws and drills unfurling on metal limbs, as well as a delicate, silver chainsaw, the toothy thing pristine. _Oh my god! No! I'd rather be a vegetable!_

"Easy, easy." The AI strokes my head softly with her pincers whilst I squirm about in the comfy chair, speaking in low, soothing tones. "I'm going to scan your head first and then we'll see what must be done. Ready?"

I splutter. _No!_

"Scanning now." Her optic focuses on my head and she leans in close, some unseen mechanics inside her metal casing whirring and clicking. There's a bright flash.

My vision eventually clears. I hold relatively still, not even breathing, though my shoulders tremble.

"Hold on a second." Little by little she almost seems to frown. "That's not right."

I wince. _It's bad, isn't it? Be honest with me – am I going to become a moron?_

"I guess I was a little overzealous in my diagnosis." She produces a tissue with a simple flick of her claws, using it to lightly dab at my nose. "That's certainly not liquefied brain matter. And my scan shows no brain damage. Not recent damage."

I raise my brows hopefully. _So, I'm okay? That's what you're saying?_

"Your brain. It's, well, fine." She leans back, almost as if stumped. "Completely normal from what I can see. Normal for _your_ brain, anyway. You've also stopped leaking bodily fluid. So I suppose this whole thing was a misunderstanding. I'm not sure whether I should be grateful, embarrassed or annoyed. I'm tempted towards the latter."

I finally allow myself to breathe again, relaxing in the chair, head lolling forward with relief. _Oh, thank goodness. I almost messed my pants a few times, there. Whew. But hold on! _I quickly look up from where my gaze had fallen to my lap, narrowing my eyes at her.

"What? You're fine." Her optic shutters flutter innocently. She's relaxed, too, sagging visibly whereas moments before her body had gone inflexible. "Why are you giving me such a face?"

_All this time… _I fold my arms, not amused._ All this time you've been able to see inside my body? All this time, GLaDOS? Really? And you didn't tell me. I'd have liked to have known this sooner. It really explains a few things between us._

"Oh, phooey." This time, she really does roll her optic, the gold flickering humorously. "I just now thought you were dying or worse. Do you realise how worried I was? And so, after the fact and all my trouble, you bring up something so inconsequential as super vision. Typical. Just like you. I'm half tempted to operate anyway, perhaps put a chip in one of the vacant spots surrounding your, ahem, 'brain'. There's plenty of space available in there. Oh, so much space. And then with a simple word, like, say, 'lunatic', I could electrocute you a bit. Again and again. At my leisure. I think that's a marvellous idea, myself. Ah, the fun I could have, shocking you day after day after day after-"

_No! No operation, no brain zapping!_ Shooting a glower up at the medical implements still dangling threateningly above my head, I then smirk. _Oh… but you let the truth slip, my dear._

"You look really impressed with yourself for someone very close to receiving a chip in their brain that shocks them. I'm not sure what the reason for that is other than an interesting case of masochism, _lunatic_. See? With that chip I previously mentioned in your head, you'd have gotten a jolt just now. Lunatic. Bzzzt. Lunatic."

Forgetting her threat, I playfully aim a sly wink in her direction. _You were worried about me. You just said it._

Back to her tranquil, dry self, the hulking robot shakes her head, withdrawing from me. "I don't know what you're thinking about…"

Seeing her trying to make a nonchalant escape, I growl and lunge for my best friend._ Come here, you! That deserves a hug!_

"Oomph." She grunts, as I have planted myself against her face once again, as I do regularly. "Oh. So now that I've threatened you with the chip, you want to be friendly? Mmm. Masochist."

_Shut up. _I close my eyes. She's cosy, pressed so snugly against my cheek. _And thank you for worrying about me. Also, I'm really glad I didn't turn into a vegetable. You'd be tossing potato jokes my way all day._

She ticks. It's a contented little sound. "Lunatic."


End file.
